5 Nuttiest Things People Said When I Was Pregnant
Judging from the number of times strangers came up to me and made rude pregnancy comments about my size or gave me their expert opinion on what I should be doing to make labor easier down the road, Iâ€™d say pregnancy temporarily turns us into creep-magnets. Here are the most colorful things people had no qualms about saying to me.
Make sure youâ€™re walking enough. Itâ€™ll open up your hips for childbirth. That statementâ€™s innocuous enough. But delivered by a fifty-something man holding his lower back and gyrating his pelvis a few feet from your face as you sit on a park bench, itâ€™s truly cringe-worthy. Gents, no matter how many children the lady in your life has had, do the pregnant population a favor and refrain from dishing out advice â€” especially about hips, breasts, and vaginas.
Are you having twins? Oh, youâ€™re not? Must be a big baby. Target checkout guy, this oneâ€™s for you. First of all, never ask a pregnant woman if sheâ€™s having twins unless you know sheâ€™s having octuplets. Secondly, if sheâ€™s polite enough to dignify your question with a response that doesnâ€™t involve throttling you, swiftly move on to a different topic. Now is not the time to act shocked that sheâ€™s not having twins or to wonder if her obstetrician somehow missed a second heartbeat. Lastly, donâ€™t speculate about the size of her fetus. Yes, even if you are an overweight woman waiting in line for the ladiesâ€™ room, that doesnâ€™t give you carte blanche to go on and on about how big someoneâ€™s unborn baby must be based on the remarkably large size of her bump. I considered putting an end to our conversation by asking, â€śAnd when are you due?â€ť I blame the hormones.
Any day now! Again, this isnâ€™t offensive if youâ€™re talking to a woman who was due yesterday â€” annoying, certainly, but not offensive. Say it to a woman whoâ€™s only six months pregnant, though, and it reaches a new level of rudeness. I smiled and nodded, mortified, when a stranger yelled this at me from across the studio lot I was working on at the time. I wasnâ€™t due for three more months.
Looks like youâ€™re going to need special shoes soon. This was a personal favorite of mine because it had the effect of both totally confusing me and reducing me to tears in the span of about ten minutes. The offending party was a server at a restaurant I was lunching at. I was 27 weeks pregnant, had just been diagnosed with gestational diabetes the day before, and was wearing my perfectly comfortable Jack Purcells. I donâ€™t think I was waddling, and my ankles werenâ€™t swollen. I had no idea what she meant and kept picturing myself hobbling down the street wearing two Velcro post-op shoes. It was a vulnerable time for me, and hearing that a stranger thought that even my feet were screwed up pushed me over the edge. I silently cried over my low-carb meal and stared at my feet under the table.
Youâ€™re movie pregnant! Jackie, doesnâ€™t she look movie pregnant? Thatâ€™s exactly what an eight-month pregnant woman wants to hear when she walks into Victoriaâ€™s Secret. The offending party was a salesgirl, and so was poor Jackie, roped right into what would become a very awkward conversation, at least for me. To clarify, the salesgirl didnâ€™t mean that I looked like a pregnant Naomi Watts or Natalie Portman. No, that would be movie star pregnant, and a major compliment. She meant that my baby bump was so basketball-like, so freakishly large, so out of place on my body that it could only be likened to Arnold Schwarzeneggerâ€™s prosthesis in Junior. OK, so she didnâ€™t say that exactly, but she did say it looked fake â€” like in the movies.
What are the worst things strangers said to you during your pregnancy?